So I have a few posts I should be making about Christmas, gifts, etc. Typical things about the season, but I need to forego that for a day or so.
My heart is super heavy at the moment. This past weekend I heard of another divorce happening to one of the coolest couples I knew. This is just one of many I've heard about lately and it broke my heart. I don't know all the details, nor do I need/want to know - I just know that it's sad. You start thinking about all the people one divorce affects and the way it all trickles down is amazing.
Let me just say I DO NOT believe that ALL MARRIAGES SHOULD or CAN be saved. But I believe that with the right amount of work and sacrifice there are quite a few that COULD be saved.
Thankfully, I've never had to deal with a divorce first hand, or up close and personal - but I've been a witness to quite a few relationship that were headed down that road and for whatever reason it just never progressed that far. In some cases it was a good thing, in some cases it's been a bad thing because they STILL haven't worked out their issues - they just skirt around them.
Anyway, since hearing about this last divorce I've kept thinking I need to put down 'on paper' the things that Eric and I have learned and are still learning about keeping a marriage alive and healthy. Now I'll be THE FIRST to say our relationship ISN'T PERFECT. It's a PRETTY AWESOME relationship, but it ISN'T perfect.
A lot of you may think that Eric and I haven't really ever had any major real trials come in the way of our marriage and while I won't go into details, there's been something that has plagued our marriage almost from day one. And it is something that has torn families apart, but because of what Eric and I have learned and what we try to live day to day it's kept us together. It isn't easy. It's a struggle. But I've found that because we live the following things it makes it EASIER!
I want to say FLAT OUT that I AM NOT calling ANYONE OUT! I AM NOT judging ANY ONE ELSE'S relationships. I am just sharing things I've learned by observation and by TONS of trial and error!
And no, I'm not a marriage counselor. No, I've not been schooled in anything remotely related to anything of this nature. I'm just offering advice and hoping SOMEONE gains something from it. This is mostly made to help my children or grandchildren along the way as this blog serves as my journal. That being said, here's some things I've learned:
COMMUNICATE: This is THE BIGGEST help in keeping your relationship alive. Everything comes back to communication. This has also proven to be the most difficult for me.
I'm the type of person who avoids confrontation, so in an argument I am apt to walk away, stew about it on my own time, on my own terms and then I'm good. This doesn't work so well for Eric. And it really isn't a good way to solve things.
While I've gotten over whatever little things (and yes, it usually is a bunch of little things) set me off - Eric is still left wondering what it was he did and what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. When I walk away without talking and then solve the issue in my head - Eric is still left with unresolved feelings. So while I'm back to being perfectly content, my spouse isn't. That is a problem.
Unfortunately for me Eric HAS to talk things out. He HAS to have resolution. As much as I've HATED this throughout the years (Yes, I do HATE it) I realize how IMPORTANT this has become to keeping our marriage IN TACT!
Half the time when I think I've resolved some issue in my head, I realize I really haven't. More than likely I've just set it aside to worry about at another time.
Communicating my issues with my spouse has saved us a number of times.
BE GENEROUS WITH HIS TIME: This is a situation that may be different when your husband isn't the bread winner in the family. Keep that in mind.
Here's another one that took me a few years to learn and it was learned the hard way.
Your husband spends 40+ hours a week WORKING to provide for your needs and your WANTS! Keep that in mind. Most of his day is spent traveling, working at whatever job he's chosen (even if he really enjoys his job there are days that this is difficult), just to come home and then provide emotional support for his wife and children. He has very little time for HIM! Do NOT be selfish with that time.
GIVE HIM time to do things to discover himself, to stay himself, to do the things HE enjoys doing. Too many times I see wives micromanaging their husbands schedules from sun up to sun down. I hate it. I feel bad for those men and really annoyed at the women who do it.
Yes, your husband should spend time with you AND with his children. Yes, he should fulfill his duties at home as well as he does at work, but NO he should not be so scheduled that he doesn't even know if he's coming or going. Or scheduled to the point that he can't even REMEMBER what he enjoys doing.
However, this doesn't mean you should let your husband do whatever he wants, every day when he gets home from work, but it does mean you should give him plenty of time to do the things he would LIKE to do. He will be a much more fulfilled and happy man if you give him HIS time.
BE IN AGREEMENT ABOUT HOW SPARE TIME IS SPENT: It's pretty much a non-spoken 'rule' in this house that one night out with the guys or one night out with the girls a week is cool. No questions asked, no gripes made. Anything above and beyond that needs to be discussed. (See that communication comes ups again)
COMPROMISE: So you may not be thrilled that the hubby wants to go out with the guys 2x's in a week. Compromise somehow.
In our house it's often that if he helps get the kids settled down before he goes, and he promises to answer his phone and come home if I really need him, then I am good to let him go again.
Now he's good on these occasions to purposely plan going out a little bit later. Instead of leaving as soon as he gets home from work, they decided on a time around 8:00 pm - when kids should be getting ready for bed and going to bed anyway.
BE TOGETHER EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT TOGETHER: I probably could've found a better way to say that, but I'm leaving it as it is.
This simply means that even if you're both off doing your separate things, try to do them in the same room. Eric and I have become masters at this.
I tend to get lonely and I need Eric AROUND. Even if we aren't doing the same thing I like that he's in earshot and eyeshot so we can still chat and 'be together.'
TAKE AN INTEREST IN EACH OTHER'S INTERESTS: This one makes me laugh sometimes. This is all how Eric got me playing World Of Warcraft years ago (don't play that often) and most of the time how I find new favorite TV Shows.
Even when you don't find that you are particularly interested in his interests, at least engage him in conversation about it. Be excited when he's excited. Tell him you're sorry when things don't go the way he wants. LISTEN.
This is another two way street. Eric probably has no idea what the difference is between a mat and matte. Probably doesn't know what I mean by tactile scrapbooking or hybrid scrapbooking. He doesn't even care much for pictures and groans when his mom or I want to take them. However, he does appreciate the pages I make with those pictures. He's even got the one I made with the little girls serving as his wallpaper at work right now.
Guess how good I felt when I saw that....
MAKE TIME FOR HIM: In my world as soon as he walks through the door at night, I stop what I'm doing. I greet him (he'd say I don't always, but I try), we have dinner and then we are together.
We usually catch up on tv shows or watch a movie, but whatever we do it's TOGETHER. I set aside my nights to be with him. I have most of the day for 'my' stuff, but we don't have a lot of time together so we make sure our nights count!
DON'T TALK BAD ABOUT HIS FAMILY OR FRIENDS: This isn't always easy to do and sometimes people really just can't get a long. If you are in such a situation just keep your bad feelings to yourself. If you HAVE to discuss a family member or friend of his that's really upsetting you, find someone else to talk with.
Don't make him choose between you and family.
Of course if there's a MAJOR issue you should talk with your spouse, but if it's something like, "Man, your dad is such a loser...", keep it to yourself or talk with someone NOT related to that person.
GO TO BED AT THE SAME TIME: I grew up in a house where my Dad went to bed at the stroke of 10 pm (He liked his sleep, guess where I got that from) and my Mom would stay up until she finished all she had on her 'check-list.'
I didn't want that kind of relationship.
For the most part Eric and I go to bed at the same time. There are occasions where that doesn't happen, but we try. Some of the best conversations we've had have been at bed time. There are no other distractions around and the kids are asleep in bed. It's a good time for meaningful conversations.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED/WANT: Men really do have a one-track mind. They can concentrate on one thing and that's it. They really are oblivious at times and don't always 'see' what needs to happen. Don't expect them to know exactly what you need or want them to do.
You need to make sure they are listening to you and then ask for what you want or need.
This is another one I still struggle with. I have a hard time believing he can't just hear what's going on and solve it, but he doesn't. He tends to focus on the one thing he's doing and that's that. But when I ask him for help, he's willing to do it.
..........
So those are just a few things I've learned in 13 years of marriage. I know others probably have tons more they could add to this, but this is just a quick list from my brain so that I can rest a bit easier knowing I shared my knowledge with my children and so on....
My heart is super heavy at the moment. This past weekend I heard of another divorce happening to one of the coolest couples I knew. This is just one of many I've heard about lately and it broke my heart. I don't know all the details, nor do I need/want to know - I just know that it's sad. You start thinking about all the people one divorce affects and the way it all trickles down is amazing.
Let me just say I DO NOT believe that ALL MARRIAGES SHOULD or CAN be saved. But I believe that with the right amount of work and sacrifice there are quite a few that COULD be saved.
Thankfully, I've never had to deal with a divorce first hand, or up close and personal - but I've been a witness to quite a few relationship that were headed down that road and for whatever reason it just never progressed that far. In some cases it was a good thing, in some cases it's been a bad thing because they STILL haven't worked out their issues - they just skirt around them.
Anyway, since hearing about this last divorce I've kept thinking I need to put down 'on paper' the things that Eric and I have learned and are still learning about keeping a marriage alive and healthy. Now I'll be THE FIRST to say our relationship ISN'T PERFECT. It's a PRETTY AWESOME relationship, but it ISN'T perfect.
A lot of you may think that Eric and I haven't really ever had any major real trials come in the way of our marriage and while I won't go into details, there's been something that has plagued our marriage almost from day one. And it is something that has torn families apart, but because of what Eric and I have learned and what we try to live day to day it's kept us together. It isn't easy. It's a struggle. But I've found that because we live the following things it makes it EASIER!
I want to say FLAT OUT that I AM NOT calling ANYONE OUT! I AM NOT judging ANY ONE ELSE'S relationships. I am just sharing things I've learned by observation and by TONS of trial and error!
And no, I'm not a marriage counselor. No, I've not been schooled in anything remotely related to anything of this nature. I'm just offering advice and hoping SOMEONE gains something from it. This is mostly made to help my children or grandchildren along the way as this blog serves as my journal. That being said, here's some things I've learned:
COMMUNICATE: This is THE BIGGEST help in keeping your relationship alive. Everything comes back to communication. This has also proven to be the most difficult for me.
I'm the type of person who avoids confrontation, so in an argument I am apt to walk away, stew about it on my own time, on my own terms and then I'm good. This doesn't work so well for Eric. And it really isn't a good way to solve things.
While I've gotten over whatever little things (and yes, it usually is a bunch of little things) set me off - Eric is still left wondering what it was he did and what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. When I walk away without talking and then solve the issue in my head - Eric is still left with unresolved feelings. So while I'm back to being perfectly content, my spouse isn't. That is a problem.
Unfortunately for me Eric HAS to talk things out. He HAS to have resolution. As much as I've HATED this throughout the years (Yes, I do HATE it) I realize how IMPORTANT this has become to keeping our marriage IN TACT!
Half the time when I think I've resolved some issue in my head, I realize I really haven't. More than likely I've just set it aside to worry about at another time.
Communicating my issues with my spouse has saved us a number of times.
BE GENEROUS WITH HIS TIME: This is a situation that may be different when your husband isn't the bread winner in the family. Keep that in mind.
Here's another one that took me a few years to learn and it was learned the hard way.
Your husband spends 40+ hours a week WORKING to provide for your needs and your WANTS! Keep that in mind. Most of his day is spent traveling, working at whatever job he's chosen (even if he really enjoys his job there are days that this is difficult), just to come home and then provide emotional support for his wife and children. He has very little time for HIM! Do NOT be selfish with that time.
GIVE HIM time to do things to discover himself, to stay himself, to do the things HE enjoys doing. Too many times I see wives micromanaging their husbands schedules from sun up to sun down. I hate it. I feel bad for those men and really annoyed at the women who do it.
Yes, your husband should spend time with you AND with his children. Yes, he should fulfill his duties at home as well as he does at work, but NO he should not be so scheduled that he doesn't even know if he's coming or going. Or scheduled to the point that he can't even REMEMBER what he enjoys doing.
However, this doesn't mean you should let your husband do whatever he wants, every day when he gets home from work, but it does mean you should give him plenty of time to do the things he would LIKE to do. He will be a much more fulfilled and happy man if you give him HIS time.
BE IN AGREEMENT ABOUT HOW SPARE TIME IS SPENT: It's pretty much a non-spoken 'rule' in this house that one night out with the guys or one night out with the girls a week is cool. No questions asked, no gripes made. Anything above and beyond that needs to be discussed. (See that communication comes ups again)
COMPROMISE: So you may not be thrilled that the hubby wants to go out with the guys 2x's in a week. Compromise somehow.
In our house it's often that if he helps get the kids settled down before he goes, and he promises to answer his phone and come home if I really need him, then I am good to let him go again.
Now he's good on these occasions to purposely plan going out a little bit later. Instead of leaving as soon as he gets home from work, they decided on a time around 8:00 pm - when kids should be getting ready for bed and going to bed anyway.
BE TOGETHER EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT TOGETHER: I probably could've found a better way to say that, but I'm leaving it as it is.
This simply means that even if you're both off doing your separate things, try to do them in the same room. Eric and I have become masters at this.
I tend to get lonely and I need Eric AROUND. Even if we aren't doing the same thing I like that he's in earshot and eyeshot so we can still chat and 'be together.'
TAKE AN INTEREST IN EACH OTHER'S INTERESTS: This one makes me laugh sometimes. This is all how Eric got me playing World Of Warcraft years ago (don't play that often) and most of the time how I find new favorite TV Shows.
Even when you don't find that you are particularly interested in his interests, at least engage him in conversation about it. Be excited when he's excited. Tell him you're sorry when things don't go the way he wants. LISTEN.
This is another two way street. Eric probably has no idea what the difference is between a mat and matte. Probably doesn't know what I mean by tactile scrapbooking or hybrid scrapbooking. He doesn't even care much for pictures and groans when his mom or I want to take them. However, he does appreciate the pages I make with those pictures. He's even got the one I made with the little girls serving as his wallpaper at work right now.
Guess how good I felt when I saw that....
MAKE TIME FOR HIM: In my world as soon as he walks through the door at night, I stop what I'm doing. I greet him (he'd say I don't always, but I try), we have dinner and then we are together.
We usually catch up on tv shows or watch a movie, but whatever we do it's TOGETHER. I set aside my nights to be with him. I have most of the day for 'my' stuff, but we don't have a lot of time together so we make sure our nights count!
DON'T TALK BAD ABOUT HIS FAMILY OR FRIENDS: This isn't always easy to do and sometimes people really just can't get a long. If you are in such a situation just keep your bad feelings to yourself. If you HAVE to discuss a family member or friend of his that's really upsetting you, find someone else to talk with.
Don't make him choose between you and family.
Of course if there's a MAJOR issue you should talk with your spouse, but if it's something like, "Man, your dad is such a loser...", keep it to yourself or talk with someone NOT related to that person.
GO TO BED AT THE SAME TIME: I grew up in a house where my Dad went to bed at the stroke of 10 pm (He liked his sleep, guess where I got that from) and my Mom would stay up until she finished all she had on her 'check-list.'
I didn't want that kind of relationship.
For the most part Eric and I go to bed at the same time. There are occasions where that doesn't happen, but we try. Some of the best conversations we've had have been at bed time. There are no other distractions around and the kids are asleep in bed. It's a good time for meaningful conversations.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED/WANT: Men really do have a one-track mind. They can concentrate on one thing and that's it. They really are oblivious at times and don't always 'see' what needs to happen. Don't expect them to know exactly what you need or want them to do.
You need to make sure they are listening to you and then ask for what you want or need.
This is another one I still struggle with. I have a hard time believing he can't just hear what's going on and solve it, but he doesn't. He tends to focus on the one thing he's doing and that's that. But when I ask him for help, he's willing to do it.
..........
So those are just a few things I've learned in 13 years of marriage. I know others probably have tons more they could add to this, but this is just a quick list from my brain so that I can rest a bit easier knowing I shared my knowledge with my children and so on....
