30 Days of Truth: Day 7

Remember how I said some of these 'truths' are going to be a little more difficult to share? Well, this would be one of them. Just so you know...

DAY 7 - SOMETHING YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR

What I really need to forgive myself for is (I'm trying to word this somewhat tastefully) having an intimate relationship with Eric before we were married.

It was so drilled into my head by my parents before I even started dating that if a guy really loved you, he'd wait. Well maybe so. But what happens when you reach that stage? It's not easy to just turn those feelings off. I just wasn't prepared enough for the situation.


Now, thankfully we've made a wonderful life since and we were lucky enough to not deal with an unexpected pregnancy long before we were ready. So, I should be able to put the past behind me. Not so - I still feel so much shame about it and don't like telling people who 'made the right choices'.

It's easy to tell people that ended up pregnant as teens, but I feel everyone else will judge me. I judged people before it all happened to me. And I've come to realize it doesn't just happen to the 'bad' girls - it can happen to anyone.

So there you have it - the one true thing I really need to forgive myself for.

What Happens Next...

30 Days of Truth: Days 3, 4, 5 & 6

See, I've yet to actually post something EVERY day. In my defense though (yup, I'm always making excuses for myself) this weekend was super busy. Saturday I was busy cleaning the house for Tanis' bday party (more on that in a day or so), Sunday we went to church and then had Tanis' bday party and Monday was spent away from the house all day. So there you have it. And I am just realizing that I need to account for today. It's Tuesday not Monday. Ay yi yi...

Okay, well we're all set to go. I'm gonna count down so that you have the most current entry first.



DAY 6 - SOMETHING THAT EXCITES YOU AND FILLS YOU WITH JOY

This one is super easy and probably super obvious....

My kids are so much fun, especially Ailey. They are all so different and live life so differently. It's fun to watch them grow, learn and develop. Ailey is especially at an age where everything is just so fun to watch. The excitement she feels when she sees mommy or daddy and how cute she looks when she literally runs to us. To see the anxiety she has around strangers - yet she will always offer a smile.

It's all these little things that fill me with joy. Super simple, but so amazing!


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DAY 5 - SOMETHING IN LIFE THAT GIVES YOU BALANCE

Life can be hard, that is a given. And since this is a truth challenge, I'm going to be very forward here...

There's been many days where I just want to give up, call it quits and move on. There's been days I've thought the darkest thoughts you can possibly think. I've been known to harm myself in order to 'feel better'. I've often wondered if anyone would care if I left this world. I've wondered if anyone would show up at my funeral. I've wondered how long it would take Eric to move on. Would he immediately find someone new, or would he live the rest of his life alone? I have had THOSE moments.

But, when my cousin decided to go through with those deep, dark thoughts, it woke me up! It's sad to say that his death had to shake me up and make me see things beyond myself. To witness the grief that his widow and sons had to bare, and to see the horribly wrong choices these young men have made since their father's death was such a wake up call.

Since my cousin's passing it has put balance in my life on those horribly dark days. When I start to think those horrible, ugly thoughts - they suddenly turn to Greg. I wouldn't want to leave my kids in such a state. I wouldn't want to put Eric through all the pain and grief that would come with that. And for the most part - my life is WONDERFUL. I can't let a week of frustration and stress break it all away for me.


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DAY 4 - SOMETHING THAT IS PART OF YOUR ROUTINE THAT YOU ENJOY

That word routine I don't enjoy. I don't enjoy 'routines', but I do have one every day. It's just the way things get done. If I didn't have some sort of routine, nothing would get accomplished. Since most of my routine is work and cleaning to keep this place in some sort of order, the only other thing that is routine is my shower/bath. It's my favorite part of the day. I'll usually wait until Ailey is napping so that I can have the time to myself. The older kids are good to watch Nate and so I really do get about 10 minutes of peace. It's wonderful and it helps to have a jetted tub!

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DAY 3 - SOMETHING WITH WHICH YOU STRUGGLE

I really struggle with liking how I look, as a lot of people do. It's odd because I've never much liked how I looked. In High School I thought I was A LOT bigger than I actually was, now I WISH I looked like I did in High School.

For the most part I can look in the mirror and be okay with what I see from the neck up. It's when I look at everything below the neck that I get uneasy. I hate looking at pictures of me if I'm not hidden behind something.

I know I have 5 kids and they've all added their little remembrance and some days I'm okay with that. But it gets difficult living around people who have as many as 8 kids and they look the same as they did before kids. A lot of my High School friends also look about the same, which is terrific for them and I'm really not jealous. It's just difficult to love how I look.

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And now I'm off to shower. Yes, it's 6:00 at night. No, I really haven't showered yet. Don't judge me! Like I said we had a busy few days and I just barely got clothing washed so I can get dressed. If I didn't have to go Visiting Teaching I probably would've stayed in my jammies all day. Sue me!

What Happens Next...

30 Days of Truth: Day 2

DAY 02: SOMETHING YOU REGRET NOT HAVING DONE LAST YEAR

I really regret not visiting my grandma weekly like I told myself I would. Told myself I'd do it this summer as well and totally haven't.

One of these days, she's not going to be around anymore - I dread that day. And I know that if I haven't visited her recently when she passes, I'm going to take it even harder.

So yeah, I'll stick with not visiting my grandma as much as I planned on.

What Happens Next...

30 Days of TRUTH #1

So, I decided I wanted to do another 30 day challenge. (One of these days I'm going to get it done EVERY DAY - LOL) Anyway, the original challenge I had decided on was a photo challenge, and while I liked that okay - I wanted something more. I then ran across this and I've decided it's more 'my thing.'

This challenge is more word oriented than picture oriented. I figure since this is my journal I need to open up a bit more. Some of these shall be difficult to actually put out there, but it may help in some ways.


THE LINEUP:

- Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.
- Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
- Day 03: Something with which you struggle.
- Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
- Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.
- Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.
- Day 07: Something that you need to forgive yourself for.
- Day 08: Someone that made your life difficult.
- Day 09: Your views on alcohol/drugs.
- Day 10: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.
- Day 11: Something about which people seem to compliment you.
- Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
- Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.
- Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.
- Day 15: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.
- Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
- Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.
- Day 18: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.
- Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).
- Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.
- Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.
- Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.
- Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
- Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.
- Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.
- Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?
- Day 27: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?
- Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?
- Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?
- Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.
- Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.
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So DAY 1: SOMETHING YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS YEAR

To be honest, most everything I was looking forward to this year has already happened. That's kind of a bummer when it's only 7 months into the year.

If I have to choose something though it would probably be Christmas. I really enjoy the Christmas season and wish I was a better planner. I tend to make the week of Christmas really stressful and busy for me as I put off getting gifts together.

I enjoy the gifts I usually make - but when I put it off, it gets stressful. I need to be better this year so that I can really enjoy my kids and husband during that wonderful time of the year. Perhaps it'll help Eric's mood as well. Perhaps it'll also allow us to focus on others around us that may need the Spirit of Christmas in their lives.


Now if any of you think you can handle sharing the truth - I dare you to do so. And let me know that you are playing along - I'll even share the cool little sign up at the top with ya! :D

What Happens Next...

I'm Baaaaack!!!!

So, I've been missing for awhile.

Let's just say life hasn't really been going the way I'd like it to go lately. There's been nothing major and we've had some fun, but it's also just been life.

June was a difficult month, besides Lex's birthday party flop - I also had to deal with something else that's been bothering me.

Towards the end of June I get a call from the Ward Clerk who asks me if Eric and I can meet with Bro. M. the next day at such & such time. I say yes and then spend all day wondering what the calling might be. Kind of hoping it's for Eric and not me. Eric was ready to be done with Scouts. I was hoping if it was for me it'd be a kind of side calling.

Well we go in Sunday and sure enough Eric gets released and I get 'moved'. We both get called to be in Nursery. I was 'moved' because I was already technically called to Primary and Nursery is part of Primary. Of course we accepted, but I was heartbroken. Eric was thrilled.

I absolutely LOVE the 7/8 year olds. They are AMAZING!!! I got pulled from working with them to dealing with 18 - 24 month old babies. It's not a fun adjustment. I know that sounds horrible, and I'm not really angry. I'm just sad.

It's a good thing for Ailey, however. She got to go to Nursery 4 months early and is in HEAVEN! She loves being able to play with all the toys, and having snack time. Eric is happy because he doesn't have to 'fight' with her all through church now.

The only struggle Ailey's had is jealousy here and there. She doesn't always like when Mommy or Daddy is holding another kid. But thankfully she's not a mean jealous, she just wants to be held as well.

And our ward did split this young nursery up. We only have about 10 kids as does the other class. Plus we've got about 3 or 4 coming in in the next few months. Can you imagine 2 people dealing with 20+ young toddlers? So yes, I understand why it was necessary - I'm just struggling to really be happy there. It will come with time. Especially since, for the time being, all the kids in our class are EASY and adjust fairly well. And I get to spend my whole Sunday with Eric. I've missed being in Sunday School with him. So that'll be nice.

Anyway, that's the emotional side of things. On a happier note, we just got back last weekend form a wonderful trip to Nebraska to visit Eric's maternal grandparents. It was an awesome trip.
And I know travel logs can sometimes be boring and a bit much to take all at one time, so I broke it down into days. That way if something strikes your fancy you can read it. I probably wouldn't have even shared a travel log, but like I say over and over again, this serves as my journal as well - so for my mental well being I have to do it.

DAY 1: THE ROAD IS LONG
DAY 2: HOME, SWEET HOME (TEMPORARILY)
DAY 3: A QUIET SUNDAY
DAY 4: OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY CELEBRATIONS
DAY 5: WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
DAY 6: COOKIES & LATE NIGHT TALKS
DAY 7: FAMILY HISTORY LESSON
DAY 8 & 9: ON THE ROAD AGAIN

What Happens Next...

Nebraska: Days 8 & 9 - July 8 & 9, 2011

We left Eric's grandparents around 10:00 on Friday morning. Our destination was Cheyenne, Wyoming. Traveling with kids makes it necessary to stop half way through or so.

It was sad to say goodbye to Grandma & Grandpa. Eric's mom keeps saying how sick Grandma is and that she doesn't think she'll live much longer. It's really kind of sad. This woman, though, NEVER STOPS WORKING. She was constantly on her feet - making meals, cleaning up the meals, preparing dessert, cleaning up dessert. Between her and my mother in law I certainly felt like a lazy sack of potatoes. Although, I felt it was probably best that I keep an eye on the kids.
Grandpa is amazing. His gospel knowledge is so amazing and his love of the gospel is even more amazing. He is also a hard worker and is constantly out taking care of his garden. I wish I had taken pics of the garden, but I didn't. He was so proud of his garden and always wants to show it off.

I am realizing now that we should've taken pics of each of the kids with Grandma & Grandpa, but we didn't. We almost had one of Ailey and Grandpa - but then I had to walk by and ruined that moment.

It was such a precious moment as well. Towards the start of the week Grandpa was just playing with Ailey and scared the crap out of her. The rest of the week, Ailey didn't want to go near Grandpa. She would talk to him from across the room and even blew rasperries at him a few times, but anytime he'd get close she'd run in the other direction. The day we were packing up the cars no one was around to hold Ailey and she wanted to be held. Grandpa just happened to be around and picked her up and she LET him! Mom went to grab a camera, but because I walked by we never got the picture. Eric and I are just glad that Ailey warmed up before we left. It made Grandpa so happy.

We stopped at the Air Force Museum on the way out of Nebraska since Dad wanted a new hat. Well the gift shop hadn't quite opened so the rest of us got out of the cars and Mom got pictures of us by the replica missiles and rockets. She didn't send any of those to me though.

We then decided it was a good time for a potty break, so we went into the museum long enough to go potty and wait for Dad to get his hat from the gift shop. Lex was amazed by the plane they have when you first walk into the museum. I don't know what it's called, but like Lex noticed - it's like the X-Men's jet. I laughed that Lex made that connection. Dad wasn't able to get his hat
as they were sold out, but Eric found a book about planes that he enjoyed and so he got that.

We headed back out on the road and after an hour or so Eric's parents called us over the walkie - talkie telling us they were having car trouble. The car would just kind of start jerking and making noises. They had to pull over to the side of the road for a bit and then restart the engine and it was fine. They found out if they kept the tank mostly full it ran a bit better. So we were stopping to fill up a lot more often than we would've normally.

Friday ended up being a long day for us all. The kids were all screaming and fighting. Ailey was DONE being in her carseat and Eric and I were just drained. We got to the hotel and Eric's dad got us checked in and then came back out and said we'd go to dinner first then come back and unload.

We had dinner at an Arby's and by the time we got back to the hotel, Eric and I were totally done for the day. The kids wanted to go swimming, but Eric and I just weren't up to that task. Taking 5 kids swimming can be quite the chore. So instead we just had baths, let the kids watch cartoons and then went to bed.

I didn't get to sleep until 2:30. Ailey went to bed FINALLY around midnight, but then because we were right by the highway - all I could hear was the traffic and it made it difficult to sleep. We woke up around 7 and got ready for the day.

Eric's dad had taken their vehicle to Walmart's mechanic to see what they could tell him. They thought it was just bad gas and told Eric's dad to buy a fuel cleaner something or other. He did that and we thought we were good to go.

Well the car still had issues the whole way home, but it made it home. It was another long drive and I think I was able to sleep a bit, just cause I was sooo tired. We got to Eric's parents around 7:00 and Eric's dad ran to get KFC for dinner.

We ate dinner, then transferred all our belongings to our vehicle and headed home. We got home around 8:30. After everyone unloaded they all just crashed. I would've too, but since it was Sunday the next day I decided I'd better unpack Saturday night. It was a good thing I did and come Sunday I was happy I had done it the night before. It meant that Sunday I could really relax and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

All in all it was a wonderful trip and I'm so glad we were able to go. Eric's grandparents are some of the most wonderful people in the world. They are so loving and welcoming. Opening your home to anyone is a challenge, but when you add 9 extra people to your home, I'm sure it's a bit stressful. Neither one of his grandparents acted like we were an added stress however. Grandpa even exclaimed that he was so excited when he heard we were coming!

I was glad Grandma & Grandpa had the chance to meet Ailey. They might never have had the chance in this life. Plus, Ailey grew extra attached to Eric's dad on the trip. Always such a sweet thing to see.

I sometimes wish we lived closer to his grandparents. They are just such terrific people and they enjoyed our company and I enjoyed theirs.

As for souvenirs, I got plenty. In the form of mosquito bites. They sure loved me out there. The kids got a few, Eric and his mom only complained of one. Me, I had 3 in one place on my leg, 2 on one foot, one on my inner knee of one leg, one on the other inner knee of the other leg, 1 on the other foot, a few on my neck, some on my face and one on my chest! LOL!

Grandma kept saying, "I hope you don't get sick." She was worried about West Nile. Is that even a threat anymore? Anyway, I told her not to worry and I feel just fine now.

We left a souvenir at Grandma's as well. We left our church clothes hanging in the closet! Oops. She has to mail them to us now. Guess it's a good thing we own a few different articles of church clothing.

What Happens Next...

Nebraska: Day 7 - Thursday, July 7, 2011

I really wanted to go to the mall this day. I'm not totally sure why. Probably just to get out on our own for a bit. And I'm always curious as to what stores happen to be in different malls. I was also in search of some kind of souvenir.

We left around noon and just took our time walking through the mall. We had lunch in the food court - the kids opted for Burger Kind, Eric and I opted for Sbarro. We then got the kids REAL Orange Julius. I've been making Orange Julius a lot this summer with a recipe I found somewhere that I really like - but it's not the real thing. So I told the kids I'd have to get them a real one sometime. As soon as they saw the Orange Julius store, they remembered what I had said. Luckily, Eric was a good sport and agreed to let us all get one after we ate.

I did something this day that really made Eric upset with me. I think he still has his moments where he is upset by it. In fact last night he was upset by it again...The picture below shows what I did (It wasn't taken at THE time, but it was take then same day.)


Ignore her hair do. She's taken to pulling out the elastics in her hair if she can. Did you figure it out? We got Ailey's ears pierced. Eric did give me the go-ahead, but it was reluctantly. He felt so bad that Ailey got so upset when they pierced her ears. She didn't react as calmy as Shaylyn did and I wasn't expecting that. As soon as it was over Eric scooped Ailey up and snuggled her. She fell asleep soon after that.

We then had to head to Target to get diapers and to buy Nate and Shaylyn a good pair of sandles. Eric hates flip-flops and that's all the kids had brought. Shaylyn found a pair she liked, but they didn't have it in her size. She found another pair she liked and we had to buy it a bit big, but they still fit well enough. We also had to get Ailey another outfit because she had leaked through her current outfit and I was under the impression that when we got back to Eric's grandparents house we were going to leave right away to head to our next destination. I was wrong, but Ailey got a cute outfit out of it anyway. ;)

We were back at Eric's grandparents for probably a half hour or so and then we decided to head to the Mormon Trail Center. Eric's dad was really excited to take the kids there and wanted to show them some things.








At this time, the Mormon Trail Center is housing/showing bronze sculptures by Angela Johnson that display the Healing Power of Christ. I'm not sure if I was supposed to take pictures or not, but I did. None of us saw signs telling us not to. There are more there than what I've posted, but the ones I posted are the ones that really 'spoke' to me. To say the least this exhibit was moving and I'm not a real artsy person.










After viewing the sculptures we headed across the street to the Mormon Pioneer Cemetary. This is where Dad really wanted to speak to the kids. Apparently Grandma and Grandpa were called to be the caretakers of the cemetary for a number of years. So they spent many Saturday's cultivating and taking care of this land. Eric's mom even spent some time helping out when she was a little girl.

Because of all the work Eric's grandparents did they were allowed to plant a garden on the premises. The place they had their garden just happens to be where the Winter Quarters Temple now is. Dad said that the prophet at the time (Sorry I'm horrible and can't remember which President it was - I think Hinckley) visited all the places they were thinking to place the temple. When he got to the area around the Mormon Pioneer Cemetary, he said it was holy ground and that's where the temple needed to be. So, Eric's grandparents had a garden on holy ground. It was kind of an awesome story.


We went back to Grandma & Grandpa's to have dinner. Then we had to get all packed up so that we could leave in the morning. The kids and I all showered and bathed, so that all we had to do the next morning would be get dressed.

What Happens Next...

Nebraska: Day 6 - Wednesday, July 6, 2011

We took Wednesday easy.

I think Eric may have run a few places with his Dad again, but I don't remember for sure. I just know that the kids and I took our time getting ready for the day and didn't go anywhere.

We took time to visit with Eric's mom and grandma and we even made cookies. Okay, so Eric's mom mainly made the cookies - the rest of us didn't help a whole lot. Shaylyn said she wanted to help, but then kept getting distracted by other things. I believe when Lex decided to help with the next batch, he actually did help.

After dinner Lex and Shaylyn decided to go play outside. While they were outside they had started to catch a bunch of fireflies. This time they had jars to put them in. I went out with them and told them not to get too many because I wanted to get pictures of them doing so when it was a bit darker.

We went in for dessert and when we came back out there were hardly ANY fireflies. I felt so bad. Because of the rain they weren't out as much as they had previously been and my pictures didn't turn out so great.

Nathaniel had woke up around dessert time and decided to come out as well. (That's why he looks like an orphan child) He had fun running around crazy and Shaylyn was nice enough to give him a few of the fireflies she had caught.








Shaylyn was so excited with what she had caught and couldn't wait to get them home. Eric and I were sure that they'd all be dead before we ever got back to Utah, but somehow 2 of those little buggers lived. I'm sure they're dead now, but they sure proved Eric and I wrong.

After the kids had gone to bed as well as Eric's dad and grandpa, we were trying to get Ailey to sleep. During this trip she had taken to Eric's mom who would sing her to sleep. We tried that for awhile and she just wasn't wanting to fall asleep. It ended up okay though because Eric, his mom and I stayed up until 2:00 a.m. chatting away. (Ailey feel asleep around midnight or so)
We had some awesome conversations and learned all sorts of things and enjoyed conversing with each other. Eric's mom is so easy to talk to and I think Eric and I both kind of let everything just go with the conversations we had. I wish we had more nights like that.

What Happens Next...

Nebraska: Day 5 - Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Tuesday was an early start day. We were heading to the Henry Doorly Zoo. This zoo is awesome and I'm always amazed when we go to it. The animals seem much more at home in this zoo then they do in our zoo. This zoo is massive in size. Get a good workout walking this zoo, especially when you add the humidity into it.

We got to the zoo shortly after it opened and had a blast just walking around seeing things. This day was a bit overcast, but that helped so that it wasn't quite as humid. It was still humid enough that Shaylyn decided to run through every mister they had to see how wet she could get and I eventually had to pull my hair up off of my neck.

At one point it started drizzling on us, but in Nebraska - it felt sooo nice. It's not a cold rain, but it killed off the humidity just enough.

We had a great time at the zoo and I'm sharing some of my fave pics, in no real particular order...
























We got 'home' from the zoo just as the storm really came through. We got drenched just walking the few feet from the driveway into the house. Crazy rain out in Nebraska.

The rest of the night was spent inside away from the rain. Although I think when Grandpa headed out to check out his garden, Shaylyn went out for a bit as well.

What Happens Next...