This post is probably gonna come across harshly or something, but this is the way I keep my journal, so ignore it if you want.
I recently came across a huge revelation, thanks in part to my High School Reunion. How many people who I think are my "friends" really aren't? How many people are "friends" with me out of pity, or "friends" with me because I am a friend of a friend...
While I enjoyed my High School Reunion for the most part (there are a couple people who I KNOW are real friends) I also realized I don't/didn't have that many friends at all. I thought I did, but who knows. I know there were a couple people who didn't show up at all that I spent a lot of time with in High School, and a lot of my time was spent with the people who I worked with - who all went to different schools. But even them I am questioning... Eric and I sat at a table with ONE other couple. A girl he was friends with through Jr. High & High School, but when they cut out early, Eric & I were left looking like losers. Thankfully the night ended on a high note when we played games with one of aforementioned friends.
It's possible I am reading into things, isn't that always a possibility? But you've got to wonder - IF I had any/more friends, wouldn't I be out of the house more often? I should be used to all this...growing up I was always a 3rd wheel or the last choice, except for a blessed 8 years. I guess some things never change.
Another way I came to this realization is that the possibility of moving came up. I sat back and realized the only two, maybe three reasons I would be sad to go is because:
A) The school AND staff are terrific. I've had no complaints about it at all!
B) The kids have lots of friends. In fact Shaylyn is so "popular" in the ward that I am referred to as "Shaylyn's mom."
C) I feel this neighborhood is relatively safe and it looks nice.
Other than that, I would pack up & leave in a heartbeat. At least I would be closer to my little sister who is one of my best friends.
Eric feels that part of this issue is "us" or more specifically ''me" as he has friends out here. For me it is awkward to be the 3rd wheel, yet again. It leaves me stuck feeling like I am trying to join some secret society and I keep failing all the tests. I am also very shy - I constantly wonder if people really like me and they are genuine or if they are just trying to be nice. I think I'd rather people just spit in my face (okay, not literally) than pretend they are my friends. It would be easier that way.
I guess I'll leave it at that. This whole moving thing is most definitely going to be a matter of prayer...
Jun 25, 2008
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I know how you feel. Maybe moving will help you to get to a place where you will find someone who can be your close friend. I miss playing games with you guys. Jon asked if I would ever move back so we could hang out with my friends again ... and if it weren't for how I feel about the people there as compared to here, I would totally do it! I'm glad we got to see you this last weekend.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting how time changes your perspective on things isn't it? I didn't even go to my reunion because despite the fact that I knew there would be people there to chat with, that I kind of hung out with back then (had a lot of classes with), I didn't really have any friends in high school at all! lol At least not any my age at my school. Oh well!
ReplyDeleteI hope you guys don't move-we really would miss you guys if you left! Of course you have to do what's right for you guys, and I know you'd enjoy being closer to your sister, but you would be missed!
Hey, Shilo!
ReplyDeleteI think your feelings are absolutely legitimate because I have felt that way myself. With me, though, I think I try too hard to make people like me. I am worried that I talk too much or say stupid things. Going to the reunion reminded me of those things in particular. It's refreshing to know I'm not the only one who felt awkward or even perhaps left out. I hope I wasn't one of those who made you feel that way...Admittedly, I didn't hang out with you that much during high school, but I hope I wasn't snobby towards you or anything...
I think we as women are naturally too observant: we read into things that probably aren't there. My husband proves to me often that I've made a bigger deal out of something than I needed to. Realizing that I tend to take things waaaayyy too personally has helped me relax a whole lot more since h.s. I still find myself comparing myself or wondering what someone else is thinking of me, but I'm getting better.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I think I understand where you are coming from...