So the other day, my friend Catey posted about stumbling across a blog that didn't speak very highly of her. And she was judged by a 30 second snippet of a post the other blog author read. Catey was discussing her frustration at this whole fiasco and quoted the following:
"Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those.
Furthermore, envy is a mistake that just keeps on giving. Obviously we suffer a little when some misfortune befalls us, but envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know! What a bright prospect that is—downing another quart of pickle juice every time anyone around you has a happy moment! To say nothing of the chagrin in the end, when we find that God really is both just and merciful, giving to all who stand with Him “all that he hath,” as the scripture says. So lesson number one from the Lord’s vineyard: coveting, pouting, or tearing others down does not elevate your standing, nor does demeaning someone else improve your self-image. So be kind, and be grateful that God is kind. It is a happy way to live."
- Jeffrey R. Holland (Find it HERE)
Also this:
"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:
Stop it!
It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”
- Dieter F. Uchtdorf found HERE
Both of these talks stood out to me when I originally heard them this past General Conference. I've mentioned before how much President Uchtdorf's talks get to me.
So Catey writes this post and it gets me thinking about something I had experienced the previous weeks. I am going to try my best to represent both sides well, but I'll probably fail. I mean no ill, I just have to get it off my chest. And defend myself in some aspect.
Last Thursday night was the straw that broke the camel's back and I really didn't respond in the way that I should've. That being said, I'll give you some background...
We have a family member that I've pretty much always looked up. She was everything I wasn't. Still is. She was a popular cheerleader type in High School. Pretty blonde hair, thin body and just beautiful. It was hard finding any common ground to talk about from the beginning, but we both tried.
As time went on, we just kind of stopped talking in person. We could have nice conversations over email and such, but talking in person was awkward and forced at times.
There were times she tried to tell me how to parent my children and asked why I didn't do certain things that she thought I should do. I remember one time telling her that my kids had no bedtime because a lot of nights we were just out doing things and at that point in time we adhered to whatever Eric wanted to do, as he was the one with a schedule. My kids weren't in school, I didn't have a job. We had no set schedule, so I felt we could be free with our time. She came from a different school of thinking and thought her child needed to have a bedtime. I had no issues with that. Everyone can parent differently, it doesn't matter to me. But, apparently I was doing things in all the wrong ways.
A few years later we were visiting her home (they live out of state) and when deciding what to do, she said something to the effect of, "Whatever you do, don't leave these kids here!" I only had 3 at the time and I had NO intention of leaving my kids. I felt hurt and didn't even give the impression that I was going to leave my kids. I'm still confused as to why that comment would even need to be made.
The last time they were in town, she honestly looked right at me, didn't say a word and went into the guest room. Now, I didn't say anything either - but that was hard to handle as well. Then the rest of the time they were here she only asked a question or two while she was throwing her son a birthday party with his cousins. (My kids)
I tried letting things go and tried not to let it bother me, but who I am kidding? It hurt horribly and I had NO idea what I did to deserve that kind of behavior. I still don't know exactly.
So, I've been satisfied occasionally chatting on email or Facebook. But here's where the last straw came in. I had this person as a friend on Facebook so she was able to see everything I posted. This included all of the projects I've done.
This person never said anything to me about any post I made, unless it was to correct me or critique me in some way. I've never gotten any positive feedback from her. I only get requests to not include her family in things I do for my Mother In Law and questions as to why I did certain things.
Now she's had a hard life, and I totally get that. But let's talk about my childhood for just a second. I was raised by a mother who found it much easier to tell me what I did wrong and what I needed to do to correct my mistakes. I didn't get complimented about hardly anything. That doesn't mean my mother is a horrible person, in fact she is WONDERFUL. Our personalities are just so opposite that being raised in that atmosphere didn't help my personality at all.
I've always felt second best, mediocre at best in whatever passions I pursued. I wanted to play softball when I was young because I was trying to live up to my big sister. I took up acting in Elementary school and kept up with it throughout my school years, but I never really got the big parts and always ended up in the chorus, so that meant I was second best. I worked at the same job my sister did because it was an easy hire. When I got a full time job it was because Eric's aunt and Dad had talked me up, not because I was any good at it. I love to sing, but I can't sing well. So I find scrapbooking and crafts and FINALLY it's something I'm fairly confident in. Still not 100%, but I do pretty good and I've taught myself a lot.
So I'm proud to show off my projects and I get nothing but criticism from said person. This last project was something I had come up with on my own and she was upset that I used a picture of her hubby that she didn't technically have the copyright to. I understood where she was coming from, I really did - but I was so frustrated that once again, she didn't have a nice word to say.
I replied quite negatively and tried to get across things that had bothered me for a long time. I didn't get everything across. I had to stop replying because I was becoming someone I don't like to be. I had to defriend her on Facebook so that I don't get the negativity with the things I'm so proud of. But it tore me up inside. I had to talk with my Mother In Law to get some clarity and to be reassured that I'm of value.
Eric had to call up the person related to him and try to make the waters smooth. Eric was afraid I'd put a huge wedge in this relationship and cause adverse affects to those closest to Eric. There was some more clarity that came with that as well.
What hurts most is that I've tried for 13+ years to gain this persons approval and/or friendship and I haven't been able to achieve that and it's not for anything I've purposely set out to do. She struggles because I have 5 kids and I get pregnant so easily. I can't truly understand that hurt, but I don't like that I've unintentionally hurt her, either. I didn't get pregnant to parade my fertility in front of her. I was just doing what I felt was the right course to take with my life.
I've come to realize a few things in this past week and maybe that's why I need to share this.
I've learned that this person really doesn't know me at all. If she really knew me, she'd know how much my heart aches for her (and other family) when I find out I'm pregnant ONCE AGAIN. (No, I'm not - in case anyone reads more into that then there is)
If she really knew me, she'd know that my own hell comes in the form of being a mother to 5 kids under the age of 11 sometimes. She'd know that it's hard for me to hear about all the times she taken her kid to Disneyland and we've yet to be able to take our kids there and we have to be content staying close to home.
If she really knew me, she'd know that I've always looked up to her. I've always wanted to ask her for decorating tips or help cleaning/organizing my house, but because of the negativity I receive I've been too afraid to ask.
If she knew me at all, she'd know that I am very interested in Psychology and would love to sit and talk with her and hear more about her life, so I could actually get to know her better.
If she knew me at all, she'd know that my childhood wasn't great either. Because of my family situation I felt ignored and my parents didn't really know me at all either. She'd know that my mom and I didn't have a very good relationship, even though I did my best. I still can't talk to my mom about certain things and end up turning to my Mother in Law and that fact alone KILLS ME!
If she knew me at all, she'd know that I'm jealous of her high school years. She was exactly what I wanted to be in high school, but I wasn't pretty and/or talented enough. I also didn't have the courage to be what I wanted to be - I still don't.
If she knew me at all, she'd know that all I've ever wanted is her friendship. But I have to sit by and watch her befriend everyone around but me.
In short, she just doesn't know ME. I think there's a lot of people who don't know ME. That's something else that Catey's post made me realize. Her and I had similar reactions from people in High School because we were shy. People have told me that they thought I was stuck up and/or annoying. Those words hurt like heck. If people had any idea what I was really like - they'd know I'm the farthest thing from it!
Unlike Catey, I haven't been able to break out of that shell. And so I'm sure there's still tons of people (and family, apparently) that have the wrong idea about me...I'll leave you with this - it's amazing how some people can write songs that seem to have come straight from my heart!
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