...When you're busy making other plans. Isn't that the way the saying goes? I don't think I've found this statement as true as I have recently.
If you're on Facebook you may have noticed that a lot of my status updates recently have been very cryptic and sad. I had many people concerned and asking what was up and at that point in time I wasn't ready to share with anyone outside of my very close friends and a few family members. I didn't even want to share with family members, but things being what they were - I had to.
So, here goes the story. I am hoping I can make it through this and that I can say all of what I want to say. I've always said that writing helps me express things I have a hard time expressing vocally, I hope that is the case today. As a heads up, this post is filled with TMI - so if you're uncomfortable with anything that might entail stop reading NOW!
To get to the juicy part of the story I need to give some background:
Since Ailey's been born, Eric and I have pretty much decided we were done with our family. We'd gone so far as discussing different options of permanent birth control, researching said methods and going about our lives like that was the next step we were going to take. Ailey was only a few months old when I got rid of all my maternity clothes.
My periods have become quite painful and I bleed so much more than I ever have before that whenever I'm on my period - I want EVERYTHING taken out so that I don't have to do this crap for 20 more years! But then I have the question in my head, "Are you really sure you want to do this?"
I've also had this recurring thought when it's time for dinner or we're packing kids in the car that someone is missing. As much as I've tried to put this aside, it hasn't gone away. Thus, neither Eric nor I has done anything in the form of permanent birth control - yet we are being smart.
Saturday, June 2 (I only remember the day because it was my niece's birthday party), I remember feeling really kind of sick to my stomach and had a bit of spotting. The spotting wasn't unusual as my cycles have been doing their own things lately. I still felt sick to my stomach the next day, but by Monday I was fine.
Then comes June 18, this was the day I should've started my period. It didn't start, but I wasn't concerned because like I stated previously, my periods have been kinda weird as of late. I figured it'd start within a few days. On about June 20 I woke up early one morning to take care of something Nathaniel wanted.
The dog likes to sleep curled up right next to me, so sometimes getting out of bed is a challenge for me. This was one such morning and I remember moving in a way that just felt 'funny'. In the few minutes I took care of Nathaniel, I KNEW that I had started to bleed. I went to the bathroom and was like, "Good my period has started." The only thing that seemed off was that the blood was almost black. It concerned me a bit, but after researching Google, I read that it was okay. (I really need to quit researching things on Google) By mid-afternoon/early evening the bleeding had completely stopped. Weird, I know.
By about the end of that week I started thinking that I may be pregnant. Though I wasn't quite sure how it happened, because we've been careful. Either way I decided I'd take a test at the start of the week if it hadn't come by the weekend.
Monday afternoon (June 25) rolls around and I start what I think is my period. Only it's bright red and I'm passing A LOT of clots. Everytime I go to the toilet, there's clots in the toilet and on the toilet paper. I'm going through pads about every 2 hours (which is actually the norm for me as of late) and I just don't feel real well.
The week progresses and the bleeding isn't lightening up any (which by this time in my cycle it has), but in researching on Google again and in talking to Eric we decide it's one of 3 things.
1 - Just a late, albeit horrible period
2 - Endometriosis
3 - Miscarriage
Option #3 wasn't really in the forefront of my mind because like I said, we've been careful. So my thoughts went to #2. I was chatting with a friend on that Thursday (28th) and confided in her my story. She said to her it sounded like a miscarriage.
By Friday things still weren't improving much. I still felt sick and had zero energy. We had a fun sleepout planned with my parents and siblings, but I decided there was no way I was going to get 5 kids ready and myself by the time we planned to meet. I just didn't have it in me.
I texted my mom to let her know what was going on and was very honest with her. She told me to call my doctor. I then had to talk to my little sister to see if she wouldn't mind grabbing Tanis and Shaylyn and taking them with her to the sleepout (We decided Eric would actually go to Father's & Son's and take Nate and Lex). So, I also told her what was going on. She also told me to call the doctor I told her I'd see how I was feeling over the weekend and go from there.
Over Saturday and Sunday the bleeding really slowed down, but I still wasn't feeling very good. When Monday came Eric talked me into calling the doctor. I didn't want to call the doctor's office because I HATE telling the secretary's my whole life. I got my big girl pants on and called the doctor's office, and was relieved to hear that there was an option to talk to a medical specialist instead. I decided to go that route.
This lady was super sweet and kind and when I told her what was going on, she said it could be a late period, but it could also be a miscarriage. She made an appointment for me THAT day because she was afraid my bleeding would stop if we waited until after the holiday.
I asked Eric to come with me, but because he carpools I had to drive to pick him up. I still don't know how I made that drive. I was dizzy and had so many things running through my head. I made up all sorts of scenarios of what the doctor would tell me.
One scenario would be that he'd look at me and say, "I'm sorry, but it's just a bad period." The next scenario would be being told that I did have endometriosis and we'd go from there. I even went as far as thinking, "Okay, I'm pregnant with twins, but I've only lost one." Because being told that I was/had miscarried was unthinkable. Besides, I had 5 kids with no issues - why should that change?
We get to the doctor's office and it's the usual drill for pregnancy. Weight, Urine Test (which I totally didn't expect), then into the room to wait for the doctor. The doctor came in shortly after and told me that my urine pregnancy test was positive! I was floored because I knew what that meant and what was coming next.
He had me switch rooms to have an ultrasound. I got an ultrasound and was greeted with emptiness. That black place where there's supposed to be a little bean shape, was totally empty! My heart really sank. The doctor said, "It's most likely a miscarriage" but we needed to get blood work done to make sure it wasn't ectopic. He also asked if we were trying to get pregnant and I blurted out a very negative no. I then said, that's not how I meant it. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but it's not like we wouldn't have been excited to have another baby.
So we went back to the original room and waited for the blood draw. I was then anxious to get out of the doctor's office because I knew I was about to lose it. Eric was busy reading pamphlets on options for me if we really decided we're done with kids. He wasn't aware that we were done and I said, "Let's get OUT OF HERE!"
I walked out feeling just very numb. Eric asked me how I was feeling and I didn't have a clear answer. I was feeling all sorts of things at once. Within 5 minutes we had found out I was pregnant, but not really anymore. Such a surreal feeling.
We went to lunch and discussed the issue a little bit more and Eric brought up some points that really made me start to think. At what point do I believe a baby is a baby? Is it the moment of conception, is it the moment it kicks, is it the moment it takes it's first breath? What do I believe? I'm still not positive on that answer, but after looking around and seeing that my 5 week old baby had already developed this far:
It's hard not to think of it AS A BABY. Especially knowing that in a weeks time it really would've started to resemble a baby that much more. I mentioned to Eric that I felt silly for grieving for something I didn't even know was there. He said, "You're grieving what could've been." I love that. And it's totally true.
I've lived these past few weeks in a blur. Going through the motions most days. July 4th in the early afternoon was spent at the hospital getting more blood drawn to see if my hcg levels were rising or dropping. By the evening (when I should've been enjoying fireworks) I was a mess.
I'm still a mess at certain times. I've pretty much determined that I'm okay mentally, but physically and emotionally it'll take longer. There are some songs that bring the emotions to the fore front, I think about my little sister and little brother who are both going to have sweet little boys in November and it makes me sad. We were out with our friends the other night and they started talking about babies (One is pregnant, the other one is trying) and that was bittersweet. I'm so excited for my family and friends and I'm thankful that I had 5 healthy children before this happened so that I don't have to be angry with anyone and I can be happy for them, and sad for me. I can imagine what role anger would play in my whole world of emotions right now.
I remember before I ever got pregnant worrying that I'd miscarry. Then I was worried about it with Tanis and didn't want to tell anyone for awhile. The fear wasn't unfounded. My mother had a miscarriage when I was 12 and I remember it vividly. My grandma (My mom's mom) had a couple of miscarriages if I can remember right. I should've known it would come at some point.
One one hand I'm thankful I didn't have the knowledge that I was for sure pregnant for a number of weeks or months before it happened. But then on the flip side, having a positive pregnancy test and an empty uterus is not something I'd wish on anyone. Finding out so quickly that you WERE pregnant, but you're also not was a hard pill to swallow.
Being that my baby was only 5 weeks old makes me anxious to tell others. Who's going to tell me I'm silly because you didn't even realize you were pregnant. Who's going to tell me that it wasn't really a baby at all, anyway. There's so many unknowns.
Thinking about the possibility of a miscarriage (Before the doctor informed me that's what really happened) I didn't know how I felt. Or even how I was 'supposed' to feel. I've since realized you are going to feel what you are going to feel. No one can tell you your feelings are wrong. I worry that my grief is going to take it's toll on my wonderful husband, but I should know better. We got married for 'better or worse, sickness and health'.
What sucks most about this is still feeling somewhat pregnant. I still have dizzy spells. I am nauseauted most nights, my boobs still hurt a bit (although that has DRASTICALLY diminished), yet my inside is empty. My heart aches and try as I may - I'm still a little depressed. I don't imagine that'll change anytime soon.
I know there are so many women out there that have been in my shoes, but I feel like they've all had it happen much later and they have every reason to grieve. I feel like I'm being petty in grieving something I only 'thought' might exist, before I found out it really had.
I hate trying to think of the future, because that means I have to figure out my next step. I don't know what my next step is now. I know I shouldn't even worry about it at the moment and I'm smart enough to know not to make ANY decisions at this moment in time, but it makes it awfully hard to look at anything in future terms. For now I'm stuck living a day at a time and trusting that my Heavenly Father will help guide me through these next few months. And I'll be honest, getting pregnant again scares me. I don't know if I want to take the risk again...
So now you all know the story and if you see me burst into tears for seemingly no reason, you'll now know why. Somedays are harder than others and I find that if I can stay busy I'm not as bogged down. Although I will forever know that the last week in June will always be difficult and being the person I am I
wish I knew the exact day I lost my baby. My guess would be Friday the 29th because after that the bleeding really slowed down, but I'm no scientist or doctor. I just don't know and I hate it.
Also, we haven't told our other kids. We feel they don't need to know. Life will be better for some of them not knowing at this point in their lives. I don't mind telling them when they're older, but I think right now it's kind of an odd topic for them to wrap their heads around.
