Love Notes

Life has been difficult for me as of late. Nothing has really happened, I've just been feeling really depressed and it's taken it's toll on many areas of my life.

One night I was really having a rough night and just broke down. Eric and I sat talking for probably a good 2 hours that night. Okay, so Eric was doing the talking and I was blubbering. And just for the sake of clearning the air - our conversation wasn't an argument between the two of us. Eric was really just trying to help me feel better.

Well, the saddest part of me breaking down is that it was early enough in the evening that the kids were around. For the most part they just went about their business and they knew I was sad, but they also saw that Daddy was helping Mommy through things.

So when bedtime came, we all went to bed and I thought nothing really more about what had happened. Then I woke up to this:

The pantry door was filled with 'Love Notes' from Shaylyn (the apple was Ailey's 1st project she did in Preschool). Shaylyn had spent a good portion of the night writing these little love notes for me.

She had notes that were serious, some that were silly, some that were humorous and some she just drew fun pictures on. In total she had 40 something notes. (I only know that cause one of her notes said, "I thought I'd stop at 28...but I decided to do all 46."

It was hard to choose just a few favorites, but here they are:

(Not so much a love note, but it made me laugh anyway!)

I am beyond grateful for this girl and her words. It was refreshing to see that she cared so much about what I was going through, that she wanted to make it better. She didn't really do much in the ways of the world, but she did more than enough for this struggling mommy.

I'd be remiss if I didn't bring Tanis into this entry. While during the course of our conversation, Tanis wanted me to know that when he was feeling sad, he liked to look at Disney quotes. The next morning he sent me an email with this:

I so appreciated that as well. Probably most importantly the one about Harry Potter. I put way too much emphasis on what the world thinks about the way I'm doing things and not enough on what the most important people around me think.

If my kids feel like I'm doing a good job and they're happy - that is really all that should matter.

Around this same time, I saw something on Facebook and other things that brought home the fact that my children are MY children and while other people may do things differently, it shouldn't matter. I know my children and what they each need and they came to me for a reason!

I'm super blessed and thankful for these teenagers in my home and I pray they'll always be sympathetic to those around them.

What Happens Next...

Such A Blessing

We pulled together Jacen's blessing slightly last minute.

A couple weeks before the blessing we were visiting with the Bishop (he called me to team teach Sunday School with Eric) and he asked about blessing the baby. I wasn't sure when Fast Sunday would be because of conference and he told me it was in 2 weeks (September 29).

So 2 weeks to plan. I decided to use Shutterfly for the invites as I had gotten a $20 coupon in the goody bag we got at the hospital.

The days before the blessing I was a bit crazy, especially since I was gone literally all day/night on Saturday. I prayed the house would remain clean and Eric did a good job keeping it clean.

By 10:30 (church is at 11) I had everyone but me ready for church. I was showered and dressed, but my hair still needed some attention. I had Eric take everyone but Ailey and Jace to the church to save seats knowing that there were 3 other babies being blessed.

Our family is great and everyone that could be there was. This meant that my dear, sweet sister in law came without my brother (he had to work) and Eric's dad though still weak from his Chemo treatment the Tuesday before, also came to support us.

Eric gave Jace a wonderful blessing and it was super bittersweet to have Eric's Dad helping. We both realized how special an event this was.

Sadly, during Sacrament - my dear sister in law had a seizure. She was on the other end of the bench than I was so I didn't notice it at first. When I did notice, there was ward members already over there helping her. Eric's poor mom, being a nurse, was trying to decide if she should go over and help or not. We decided there was already enough people helping her out that we'd just wait it out. But, Eric's mom still timed the seizure.

When she came to, my Dad and Mom helped her out to the foyer. I decided I needed to go make sure she was okay and just give her some love. Because she had come with my parents and they were planning on staying, my little sister had tried to get a hold of my sister in law's parents. In the mean time Eric's parents decided they'd just head on home (they were going to go after the meeting anyway, given the way Dad was feeling), and drop my sister in law off on the way home.

After getting everyone situated, I got back to the meeting just in time for it to end. I was sad to have missed all the testimonies, but my attention was required else where. After the meeting was over we came home and had a small little lunch with my family. I really missed my brother and sister in law, as well as Eric's parents.
Due to the circumstances of the day, we were all worn out and emotionally spent. With Eric's mom not being there and serving as my paparazzi, I almost completely forgot about pictures.

It only occurred to me to take photos when Jace needed a clean diaper. Thankfully he was in a good mood and cooperated, but it meant the other kids had changed and there's no photos of Jace and his grandparents or with us.

My absolute faves from the day would be these:

What Happens Next...

This Is Why I'm Lucky...

I could leave things like that, but I won't.

Last week was a difficult week for me - to say the least. I can't remember the first half of the week, but Wednesday through Friday is permanently etched in my brain.

Ailey did not feel well on Wednesday or Thursday and in fact still wasn't feel great on Friday, either. This meant that she was attached at the hip (quite literally) all day long. And when she wasn't attached at the hip she was napping. Now, if I was a smart better person I would've taken the opportunity to clean while she was sleeping, but because I was so worn out all I could do was rest as well.

Ailey being sick would be enough for me - on it's own - however, Nathaniel decided to be extra 'nice' to me these two days as well.

It wore me down quite physically and emotionally. I'd look around at this messy house and get frustrated that nothing was done, but as soon as I started anything - Ailey got upset. Then the whole cycle started over again. I was at that point where you don't know if you want to cry or scream or which one will do you the most good.

Because of all this it meant that St. Patrick's Day wasn't that exciting at our house. The kids all wore their new shirts (minus Ailey...I put hers back at the store and forgot to get a different one) and so did I - even though I didn't get ready for the day until 5:00 p.m. I had great plans to have breakfast for dinner and color it all green, but because of the day I had - I opted to get pizza instead. Real festive, right?

So why in the heck does all that make me lucky?

I am just lucky to be the mom of 5 wonderful (most of the time) kids.

I have a 10 year old that is THE biggest helper EVER! Especially when I am stressed to the max. At these moments in time he is always asking what he can do to help. LOVE THAT!!!


I have a 9 year old that is TERRIFIC with her baby brother and can get him calmed down no matter what his issue is. She is so cute with him and can always take over for a bit for me when I've had enough of his 'tude.


I have a 6 year old who knows when I need to hear sweet little things, especially words like a very sincere, "I'm sorry." Followed with the action of doing what he was supposed to do in the first place.

I have a 2 year old who makes the cutest little faces and makes me forget why I'm upset with him in the first place.

I have a sweet 10 month old baby who actually WANTS to be around me and loves me no matter what. (Even if I haven't showered all day and I've been less than pleasant).


That, my friends, is why I'm so lucky!!! And no pot of gold could EVER replace all of that!!!

What Happens Next...

ANXIETY

Yup, that picture pretty much summarizes how I feel lately.
Life is making me feel very anxious lately and here's a few reasons why:

• ERIC'S JOB - Due to some crazy happenings that happened at Eric's current job on Monday, he is now looking for a new job. Thankfully, he still has his job - but with what happened it is time for him to leave. While he needs to get out now, it is obviously a scary time for it all to go down.


• INSURANCE ISSUES - With Eric looking for a new job the stress of insurance comes up as well. I am worried as heck that whatever new job he gets my doctor won't accept that insurance and that is a HUGE deal to me. I am very happy with my current doctor and I really, really don't want to switch doctors this far into pregnancy.


• MEDICAL BILLS - While I adore my doctor, I am annoyed at the way the office runs, sorta. We used to have 3 months after the baby was born to pay off the doctor - which would be great for us. However, since Nate was born they've changed things and now we owe the doctor's office x amount of dollars every month up until the baby is born so that when the baby is born the doctor will be paid off. We had planned to pay all hospital and doctor bills for this baby with our Tax Return, but now we've got to come up with said x amount of dollars every month. x amount of dollars that we really don't have.


• FAMILY ISSUES - Issues I didn't even know existed, which stresses me out even more.


• POST OFFICE - I ordered stamps to send off Shaylyn's baptism invites 1 WEEK AGO and I still have yet to see said stamps. Shaylyn's baptism is in a week from Saturday! I usually get stamps within 2 days of ordering them, so I am wondering where the heck they are. And if they got delivered to the wrong address, we are out $20 bucks! And that makes me MAD. If the stamps aren't delivered tomorrow, I'm gonna have to have Eric go buy some at an actual post office and we will be out even more money!

So, yes....I'm feeling really anxious and stressed out right now. I know that all of these issues are fairly minor and in time it'll all work itself out, but for now, at times, it seems quite a bit overwhelming!

What Happens Next...